New Job

Well not really, I'll still be working for the same company but it's a completely different project on a completely different site so it feels like it's a new job. I'll be working in Christchurch for the next six months or so.

The downside is that the site is about two miles from the nearest train station so it looks like I'll be walking for a while. At least until I work out buses anyway.

The weird thing is just how energised I feel about the whole thing. Even if it is the same company it's a huge relief just to get out of Portsmouth. I guess I didn't realise how much I dislike this place, but then you never do until you go do you?

It's only for six to nine months and then I suppose I'll be back here. But then to be honest I might just use the end of this project as an excuse to move on to other things. We'll see!

Drunk and stupid

Hey, look, two posts in as many days. It's like a bus. You wait ages for one...

So let's start by saying this isn't a pity post. Yes, I only had the conversation with S last night so I'm still in the crash and burn phase, but that's somehow irrelevant right now. Maybe it's denial, maybe not, but I've been going crazy mad for the last week while I tried to work out what was going on with S. I'm okay. I can't really explain it, but I am.

She is one hell of a lady, but then I wouldn't have dated her if she wasn't. The annoying thing, right now, is the realisation that I'm never going to be that guy. I can try, and I will always be charming, attractive and funny, but I'm just plain not desirable. There is for what ever reason something lacking. Yes, I know, I will find an absolutely gorgeous woman eventually, but I'm no longer convinced that I'll get the four children. I'm okay with that.

I'll find her in the mid-thirties/early forties, and it'll be great. A companion, someone to share my life with and enjoy it, but we're never going to be ripping each others clothes off. I guess really that's all I exoect, because if I wanted more than that I'd be out hunting the meat markets to see what I could find.

Yes, I'm probably just in the crash and everything will be different next year but even if it's not, even if I am right, at worst I'll end up happy. I have after all had an amazing life so far.

I look forward to seeing what happens next.

The current state of play

Okay. Buckle up because I've got a couple of months to catch up on and a lot has happened. Lets start with S and I getting together. And God it was great. I mean really great. She really is an amazing woman in so many ways. Not least that she had the guts to break up with me a week ago.

Yep, once again I screwed up a relationship. At least I'm consistent, right? Well I say I screwed up but to be honest in some weird way it wasn't working. It was subtle, I'll give it that, but it was somehow wrong. Sometimes I think that the whole dating friends thing will never quite work. Too much history in the wrong way.

But I'm okay with it. I mean I really am. She is an amazing woman in every way. Pretty much everything I could ever want from someone. Except the spark. You know what I'm talking about - the one little thing that makes a relationship work.

I'm reminded at this point of a penny arcade strip. Specifically this one. Love is such a funny word. It means so many things. In this case yesterday it meant that I was willing to spend the rest of my life with her. Today, after spending an hour waiting in the cold for her to get home from work (next time I do that I really must learn when she finishes work), it means a friend who I can rely on to tell me the truth no matter how much it might hurt her.

Also it means whisky (hey Dad, I spelt it right - this time at least). But that's because I've had too many this evening. About half a bottle to be exact. Who needs a liver anyway?

I've also realised that the problem with crazy, impulsive romantic gestures is that they rarely end up being romantic. That means they're just crazy and impulsive. Impulsive is good, but you end up in the cold freezing your arse off (and also looking vaguely threatening because you're wrapped up in so many layers apparently) and being really hungry. So all you're left with is crazy, which is never attractive. So I guess there must be more to a relationship than romance, like the rest of your life or something.

How does that work in polite society then?

This would probably be the point that I'd let it go and leave it for the comments, but strangely I find I can't (probably the whisky again). Oh, for the record, as two friends S and I decided that we needed to work out how the relationship worked before we told people, so if there is anyone reading this going 'who's S?' then really you need to phone me more. Yes, I'm guilty too. That's life, that is.

I'm going to go now.

Another witty title

Sometimes no matter what you do, life just plain sucks.

Insomnia is the reason this time around. :(

Yet another random post

I'll apologise now because I really do have nothing to say here, it's just been ages since I've posted anything so I figure I should say something...

Let me see - oh, I'm broke again, but that's really a positive thing since it's giving me the kick I need to sort myself out (God knows I can't keep on as I am - that way lies angry conversations with my bank manager). However that being said there are some great/inspiring stories out there - like the guy who had something like £138,000 out in unsecured loans and a failing company that owed something like £250,000. If he can sort himself out then my paltry problems are really nothing!

Unfortunately though it looks like I might not be making it to Borneo in 2008. That'll really depend on how much I save now that I've properly quit smoking. Again :) Oh and when I accept that S likes me and I don't have to keep trying to impress her!

I hate cash at this point in time :(

Seriously unconnected ramblings

I know, it's been a while and I've got a lot to cover. So grab a brew, sit back and relax.

Firstly tall ship sailing rules. I mean seriously rules. There is something utterly amazing about hanging over a yard thirty odd feet up with the wind in your hair and nothing between you and the middle of the channel but a rope and a safety harness - and some of the time not even a safety harness! Basically I was having a whale of a time and Dad would have been unable to watch.

I've got to admit spending that much time around that many disabled people was a huge eye opener too. I've been relatively fortunate to have had dealings with a number of disabled people over the years - but they generally all had a mental disability. Watching someone who had difficulty walking navigating a heaving deck to start hauling on a rope and raise a sail was phenomenolly inspiring. I do recommend it to anyone.

Secondly it appears I've finally reached the stage where not only are all my friends getting married they're also starting to procreate. I'm happy for them, but damn. It feels like I missed a couple of steps out of my life somewhere. I better start playing catch up. Just without the whole kid thing obviously. So not ready for one that I can't give back yet...

Which leads me onto point three. As much as I'd like to give you some interesting news about my love life, I really can't. Maybe tomorrow?

Some witty title

Some days for no particular reason it just feels great to be alive.

This is one of those days.

Redux

Ok there is absolutely no way on Earth that I'm going to be able to wait until tomorrow night. I'm sat here clock watching, waiting until I can start reading again! Hell I'd quit right now if I wasn't worried about missing something important and screwing it up! I don't think I have but really what's a few hours wait when freedom is just around the corner?

My God, I'm actually thrumming with excitment! I finally understand what thrumming with excitment means! I've had this big, dopey grin plastered across my face all day and I can't help it! Actually that's not true, it quickly disappears whenever I have a cigarette. How could I ever have actually enjoyed them? One of the ones I had earlier nearly made me throw up!

I really need to calm down and I know it. I've been in this state since last night and if I'm not careful I'm going to give myself a heart attack!

But damn if this doesn't feel better than sex.


Well maybe not quite that good, but pretty damn close!

Quitting smoking 3 - the end of the series

Sometime either tonight or tomorrow night I will actually, definitely, properly quit smoking. It all depends on when I finish the book.

It's going to be bloody marvellous!

Pubcrawl the second

I spent yesterday in the glorious sunshine with a rather nice pint, metallic green fingernails, metallic red toenails, green patches in my hair and beard and one bright pink nipple watching people throw black puddings at yorkshire puddings.

Does life get any better?


Oh and hell hath no fury like two women scorned and then told that they wouldn't dare...

I learnt a rather valuable lesson in life I think, I'm just not sure what it was.

I don't know

I finally asked S out yesterday. Her response was "I don't know". I guess I should feel bad about that, but the more I think about it the better I like her answer. After all I don't really know what's going on between us, something is I'm sure. Maybe it's what I think it is. Maybe not. It's all very confusing.

But I guess all I really wanted to know was if it was something worth pursuing or if I was just going to end up doing something that would make her feel uncomfortable and awkward. I think whatever is there is still young and needs a bit of time to grow and develop. Maybe it will end up being two very confused friends working out where they stand with each other. Maybe it will be something else. I honestly have no idea.

But I look forward to finding out.

And I'm still happy.

Bleached blog

As you've probably noticed I'm playing around with the template again. It appears to be what I do when I'm bored at work...

I've also recently started playing around with my keyboard and I've just moved across to the dvorak layout (see here for the wikipedia article). It's basically a layout based on the frequency of the letters that are used rather than the tradional qwerty keyboard which was designed to stop jams in a typewriter.
I've got to admit I'm quite liking it (although I'll prefer it when I can type as fast as I can think like before) it's quite easy to use and I am slowly picking it up! However learning to type your name from scratch again is a very weird sensation. I mean I don't even really think about what buttons to push anymore! Except if I don't now it comes out as Jam.prb Odc.nn. It's interesting that I can type faster with my eyes closed as well.

Still old dog, new tricks.

The Zoo!

I went to the zoo yesterday with Sam and it was goooood. As usual I got envious of the monkeys, they always have the best cages - full of ropes, logs and fun things to climb on. There were a number of really cute babies kicking around (and a couple of very protective mothers; I've never seen anything move so fast as one mum who shot across the cage and slapped the window to warn us off).

I did discover an interesting thing. Apparently animals like Sam. It seemed like she just had to walk up to a cage and the animals were coming over to see her! Especially the cats for some reason. Typical - there's always competition around!

We'd definitely timed it right as well - about 3 o'clock, which seemed to be feeding time, so all the animals were moving around. My one disappointment was that there was a cage between you and the bats. I'm sure I've been somewhere that didn't bother with the cage and had them flying around in the same room as you. Maybe it was Bristol zoo, or possibly Longleat. I forget.

Dinner afterwards was nice too.

Queensferry

Apologies to Steve, as I'm blatantly nicking his photo, but it's so good I can't not share it :)

It is however rather large, so it might take a while to view it. Anyway, this was the view on the Monday night of the pub crawl in
Queensferry. that's the Forth rail bridge. The light on the right of the photo was a massive gas flame just over the horizon. There was a gas chimney where they were burning off the excess (we think).

The worst thing is this photo is amazing, and it still doesn't do it justice!

Holiday envy

It appears I've been beaten. Two of my friend's have managed to come up with a longer, better, more pointless holiday than the strange pub crawl. To make matters even worse they're doing it for charity. I am not impressed.

Find out more at 39 million steps

Apparently viewing the site makes your life longer, happier and safer from terrorist attacks. It's also healthy and invigorating.

Not so strange pubs

I'm back! Although you probably didn't notice me going...

Anyway, after 8 days, 12 train rides, 2 flights, 68+ pints, 7 whiskys, 25 pubs, 1 whiskey distillery, 1 museum, ridiculous photos and 1 Rosslyn Chapel later I've made it through the first of the strange pubcrawls alive. I'm also going to have a very boring month with only a few highlights (Kat's pre-wedding party, Sam's birthday) in order to save cash (and my liver) for the rest of the month.

For some strange reason I'm rather tired today.

Also, Scotland is completely and totally gorgeous. I always knew it, I just didn't realise how much of it was! If you get the chance to spend a week up there it's highly recommended!

Monday Morning

So apparently you need money to do things. It's rather annoying like that. Thankfully however having parents who can afford to bail you out once in a while is a very good thing :) Still since I'm off to Scotland this week I guess I better start counting the pennies to get through the next month (fortunately this one shouldn't be too expensive) September looks like it'll be the biggie!

So I've stopped smoking again. I had a bit of a relapse on Saturday night at a wedding with a cigar, but then you've got to really don't you? Well, no, obviously, and I think that's a tradition I need to break.

But otherwise I'm still happy. I think this might be a bit of a record really. Haven't felt this good for this long since... I hit puberty I guess.

Wow, that was a lon time ago. Huh.

Huh.

I appear to be happy again. And have been for the last couple of days. It's been a while I've got to admit.




I'm not sure I like it.

Life goes crazy... again...

Sorry for the delay since the last decent post, life seems to have gone a little bit crazy recently.

I spent the weekend getting hot and sweaty with three attractive young ladies (or helping them move house if you prefer), and then helping a friend to not go sailing. Seriously, we moved her boat to the sailing club and everything, she just didn't go sailing. Apparently it was because she has a crazy boat and the wind was too strong, but I reckon she just chickened out. Still we ended up swimming fully clothed in the sea, so it wasn't all bad! If you do get the chance to try that I highly recommend it. It is a lot of fun!

But more importantly all of a sudden I've got holidays coming out of my ears. At the end of this month, I've got a wedding in York. I then come back to work for two days before flying up to visit strange pubs in Scotland for a week. I get back from that, go to the LAN party for the weekend and then I've got three weeks before I go to another wedding (London this time - hey Kat and Pete!) I'll come back from that and then head off to the midlands to visit some more pubs. I'm back for a few days and then work is sending me off on a tall ship for six days, sailing around the country I believe (although I must check that...). The tall ship holiday is fully paid for by work and doesn't take up any of my holiday, so I suddenly like my job! Back for another week and then I've got a wedding in Winchester (not so big a trip, thankfully!) My birthday a week later and then I get October to relax before I go up to York again to be a faceless monk.

And somewhere in there I want to start Capoeira.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but seriously at this rate I'm going to need a holiday to recover...!

Stuck in limbo

Something my Mum pointed out to me yesterday stuck in my mind. She said that during Uni I ran around like a mad thing until I didn't burnout. I possibly came close to it, although not really at all, but I needed sometime to myself to recover.

I think she's right. I did go a little bit mad at Uni, and I was constantly running around like a madman. And it was good. But then I needed some time to not be running around like a madman. To kick back and chillout and, well, recover.

The problem I've got now is in the other direction. I'm chilled out so much I'm practically dead. It's like I've been stuck in Limbo ever since trying to find my way around. I think the problem is that I haven't really got a purpose, and haven't had one in quite a while. Always before an opportunity has landed in my lap and I've jumped on it with both hands. I'm now in the position where I'm actually going to have to find something to do, and I really don't know what it is I want to do. How on earth do people make decisions like that?

There have been some suggestions admittedly - rock climbing was one, although there are no real centres near me that I can easily get to. Tai chi has a certain appeal, as does Capoeira - although I have no idea where either of them is likely to be taught! Maybe I should stick with something much more tradional - like sorting out my finances so that I can get on with my life long term, rather than living moment to moment...

But that would take all the fun out of it wouldn't it?