This is not my main blog. This is the other blog. The one that charts all the random bumps on the highway that is life. It was also my first blog, so it is, in it's own special way, still the best.

The other one, the one that I update regularly, can be found here.

That's all for now.

May 24, 2006

Introspective bias

It's spring and I'm single. That can only really mean one thing - it's introspection time! Yay!

It's something I've started to notice about myself, for some reason whenever I'm single and it's spring I start going into this whole introspection thing. I guess it's something to do with the whole babies issue (or lack there of) maybe natural hormones kick in and I'm forced to start wondering why I (currently) have no real hope of kids in the future? That would make a certain amount of sense, a what's wrong with me type thing.

This years topic of debate is self-control. I'm wondering if hidden under all of the layers I'm actually something of a control freak. Apparently I'm not a very good one considering I have very little control over my life, but I guess really being a control freak isn't about having control of everything but being in control of everything. Namely myself. That's led to a couple of interesting asides about whether I punish friends for taking control of their own lives (in a way I disagree with), whether the main reason I don't travel is to so that I don't end up in situations where I have very little control, if Bristol is actually about anything other than trying to remove myself from a situation where I feel out of control and if my drinking habits are an excuse to let me lose control (in a controlled way).

However the main thing that's on my mind is a fear of intimacy. I wonder if I'm actually terrified about letting someone else have that much control over me and so I sabotage events so that I can get back in control (but at the same time start relationships so that I can at least say I'm trying). I'm starting to realise that a number of my long running internal debates and actions are based not so much on the actual reasons but rather a way of telling myself I'm still interested in reationships without actually having to be in a relationship. Little things like only being attracted to women in long running relationships (who I have no hope with) because that way I can obsess without having to worry if anything would actually happen. I wonder if I'd still be interested with them if they were no longer in those relationships? Since I know (from past experience) that the answer to that question is probably no, then I'm left to wonder if maybe I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to love.

But then aren't we all? As the saying goes: "The only consistent thing between all of your failed relationships is you." But then the only difference between a failed relationship and a succesful one is the other person, and the same goes for them too.

So maybe it's all just life instead!

May 13, 2006

The Daddy Trap

Two updates in one day! There must be something in water here... Either that or I'm slightly bored and there's no-one to talk here :)

Anyway, I found this article pretty interesting. It looks at how the traditional gender roles are changing and the larger effects they're having. It's mainly focusing on the male aspect of it - generally bemoaning the stress that men are suffering from trying to juggle everything in their lives - and parts of it I found pretty surprising. For instance they seemed to think it was exceptional that a guy would be covered while he went to look after his son who had seriously injured his eye. Or that a father would miss a company picnic to go to be at his kid's 5th birthday party

I mean really? Is that so surprising that it needs to be commented on? Surely at the very least this should be expected. After all how many 5th birthdays is a child going to have? And let's face it that's the stage when the child still cares about their birthday.

I remember a couple of years ago Mastercard did one of their standard adverts about a guy travelling. It covered the hiring a taxi to the airport, catching a flight, buying some reading material and I think stopping off at a shop along the way (although I could be getting that bit wrong, it was a while ago). Anyway the last bit was the guy walking through his door and a couple of children running up to him. The tagline was "making it home for Christmas: Priceless".

I assumed that that was much more the norm than anything else. Ok, so it was a sloppily romanticised view (in reality the kids would be too busy fighting amongst themselves), but surely as a whole people aim towards that idea?

Maybe I'm just not looking at the world in the right way.

Happy Columbia Turnpike Yesterday

Yesterday was the anniversary of the accident. Which basically means I was in the pub from 5:30pm and I believe I finished drinking at about 3:00am. Now I'm in work.


It's kind of weird looking back on it now, through the rosy spectacles of seven years. Although I guess there's nothing rosy about the spectacles for this kind of thing.

It's still very much on the surface of who I am. No real escape, but then there's nowhere to hide in your own head there's just pleasant delusions to soften the blow. It's weird the things I remember and don't. I can remember stepping from the curb onto the road and I can remember stepping from the road onto the curb (and everything after that is presented in complete surround sound clarity) but I can't actually remember crossing the road. Some part of me feels that that's the part I should remember because that's the part which I had the most ability to change - if we'd walked a little faster, if I'd been a little bit more actively watching the road...

Instead the bit that I really focus upon is the actual moment just before Jon and Roby were hit. The one instant where I knew what was about to happen but was still processing the scene before me. It's kind of funny how the mind works.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a major thing anymore. Well it is, but like I said it's only in my head. It doesn't affect who, and what, I am. It's just a memory now (although it seems to be one I bring up far to often). Yet it does somehow define me. I guess I'll never know how much I was changed by those events, and I'm not sure I'd ever want to, yet it seems like there must be more to me than that.

I'm not saying I want to get over it (because let's face it you never get over stuff) just that I'd like to look beyond it. I'd like to pick some of the better, happier memories.

But then I still get flashbacks from the accident. Generally these days they're minor, nothing more than a boost of adrenaline that keeps me awake at night (and honestly I'd really like it if the guy who keeps doing handbrake turns around the square outside my window would stop now, please) which are more irritating than anything else. I did have a major one just before Christmas when I saw a car accident. Actually I'm not sure if it was an accident - there seemed to be an inordinant number of plain clothes officers at the scene arresting people. Still that one left me jittery for a good couple of days.

So I guess I'm wondering what if we didn't celebrate Columbia Turnpike day? What if we just let it slide past without mention. Would that make it easier to let it fade into the background, or would that just mean more of the same only slightly repressed?

May 11, 2006

I'm back and I'm different...

Sorry, I'd like to say I've been hiding, but in reality I've just been... well busy actually.

Work has suddenly gone mad, and for some reason my social life has suddenly blown out of proportion that I'm struggling to find time to keep up with my tv watching/sitting brooding in the dark. It's all very upsetting.

The weird thing is that I'm not entirely sure how it's blown completely out of proportion. I'm sure there was some kind of reason, but I just seem to be busy, busy busy. I keep looking forward to a nice boring weekend with no plans when people keep booking up my time because it's "their birthday", or they "are visiting", or they "are having a party", or they "want to go for a drink", or worst of all "it's the weekend."

If I keep this up I'll have nothing to whine about!

Worst of all however is the fact that I'm going to have to come into work this weekend, which means that I won't be able to properly celebrate road rash day this Friday. What's the point of celebrating the most horrible moment of your life if you can't even get so drunk you've got to stay in bed for the rest of the weekend? I don't know.

Finally here's a quote that's been rattling around my brain recently:
"Life isn't fair, but it's unfair to everyone, which is fair." Typically I have no idea who said it first, and my Google Fu skilsl are failing me, so I think I'll just claim it as my own.