It's spring and I'm single. That can only really mean one thing - it's introspection time! Yay!
It's something I've started to notice about myself, for some reason whenever I'm single and it's spring I start going into this whole introspection thing. I guess it's something to do with the whole babies issue (or lack there of) maybe natural hormones kick in and I'm forced to start wondering why I (currently) have no real hope of kids in the future? That would make a certain amount of sense, a what's wrong with me type thing.
This years topic of debate is self-control. I'm wondering if hidden under all of the layers I'm actually something of a control freak. Apparently I'm not a very good one considering I have very little control over my life, but I guess really being a control freak isn't about having control of everything but being in control of everything. Namely myself. That's led to a couple of interesting asides about whether I punish friends for taking control of their own lives (in a way I disagree with), whether the main reason I don't travel is to so that I don't end up in situations where I have very little control, if Bristol is actually about anything other than trying to remove myself from a situation where I feel out of control and if my drinking habits are an excuse to let me lose control (in a controlled way).
However the main thing that's on my mind is a fear of intimacy. I wonder if I'm actually terrified about letting someone else have that much control over me and so I sabotage events so that I can get back in control (but at the same time start relationships so that I can at least say I'm trying). I'm starting to realise that a number of my long running internal debates and actions are based not so much on the actual reasons but rather a way of telling myself I'm still interested in reationships without actually having to be in a relationship. Little things like only being attracted to women in long running relationships (who I have no hope with) because that way I can obsess without having to worry if anything would actually happen. I wonder if I'd still be interested with them if they were no longer in those relationships? Since I know (from past experience) that the answer to that question is probably no, then I'm left to wonder if maybe I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to love.
But then aren't we all? As the saying goes: "The only consistent thing between all of your failed relationships is you." But then the only difference between a failed relationship and a succesful one is the other person, and the same goes for them too.
So maybe it's all just life instead!
No comments:
Post a Comment