Happy Columbia Turnpike Yesterday

Yesterday was the anniversary of the accident. Which basically means I was in the pub from 5:30pm and I believe I finished drinking at about 3:00am. Now I'm in work.

Yay?

It's kind of weird looking back on it now, through the rosy spectacles of seven years. Although I guess there's nothing rosy about the spectacles for this kind of thing.

It's still very much on the surface of who I am. No real escape, but then there's nowhere to hide in your own head there's just pleasant delusions to soften the blow. It's weird the things I remember and don't. I can remember stepping from the curb onto the road and I can remember stepping from the road onto the curb (and everything after that is presented in complete surround sound clarity) but I can't actually remember crossing the road. Some part of me feels that that's the part I should remember because that's the part which I had the most ability to change - if we'd walked a little faster, if I'd been a little bit more actively watching the road...

Instead the bit that I really focus upon is the actual moment just before Jon and Roby were hit. The one instant where I knew what was about to happen but was still processing the scene before me. It's kind of funny how the mind works.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a major thing anymore. Well it is, but like I said it's only in my head. It doesn't affect who, and what, I am. It's just a memory now (although it seems to be one I bring up far to often). Yet it does somehow define me. I guess I'll never know how much I was changed by those events, and I'm not sure I'd ever want to, yet it seems like there must be more to me than that.

I'm not saying I want to get over it (because let's face it you never get over stuff) just that I'd like to look beyond it. I'd like to pick some of the better, happier memories.

But then I still get flashbacks from the accident. Generally these days they're minor, nothing more than a boost of adrenaline that keeps me awake at night (and honestly I'd really like it if the guy who keeps doing handbrake turns around the square outside my window would stop now, please) which are more irritating than anything else. I did have a major one just before Christmas when I saw a car accident. Actually I'm not sure if it was an accident - there seemed to be an inordinant number of plain clothes officers at the scene arresting people. Still that one left me jittery for a good couple of days.

So I guess I'm wondering what if we didn't celebrate Columbia Turnpike day? What if we just let it slide past without mention. Would that make it easier to let it fade into the background, or would that just mean more of the same only slightly repressed?